UB Chapter 14 - Grieving

Chapter 14 – Grieving

Bella POV

I dreamt of him.

My father…

Charlie.

They were the kind of dreams that were mixed with real events.  I knew I was in a dream and that, for some reason, I wanted to stay there with Charlie.  But I couldn’t remember why.

As I started to wake, the dreams faded and reality intruded, bringing with it my memories of the night before when Aro had told me about Charlie.  I would never see him again. 

My sobs pulled me fully into wakefulness and I buried my face in the soft, downy pillow under my head.  I wanted to go back to my dream world and find my daddy.  I wanted to hug him and tell him I loved him.  I wanted to tell him all the things I never had before because I’d foolishly thought there would be plenty of time to do so. 

As my tears slipped from beneath my lashes, I felt the bed shift and a pair of strong, hard, cold arms wrapped around me.  It was Jasper.  I don’t know how I knew it was him, but I did.  He didn’t speak; he just lay there and held me until I got a hold of myself. 

When most of my tears were spent, I lay there for a long time just savoring the comfort I was being given.

“I never called him “Dad”.  I wonder if that upset him,” I mused aloud in a soft voice, my throat feeling a little sore from all my crying.

Jasper didn’t reply, but I felt him shift behind me, his hand moving to rub up and down my arm.

“He was the best dad though.  He didn’t hover.  He let me be who I wanted to be, and he was always there when I needed him – even when I didn’t know it.”  I sniffled, and a moment later a box of tissues were placed in front of me on the bed.  “Thanks.” 

I took some of the tissues so I could blow my nose and clean up my face a bit before turning over to face Jasper.  He settled back just a little but kept one arm around my waist.  I was glad for his touch.  It made me feel like I wasn’t so alone.

“He was the worst cook in the world, but he could fry some fish with the best of them.” I laughed as memories of him doing just that filtered through my head.  “He loved to go fishing with the guys.  Fishing and sports…”

Jasper smiled as I did, moving his hand to tuck my hair behind my ear before returning it to my waist.  “I would have liked to have met him.”

“I think he’d have liked you, Jasper.  In a way, you’re both warriors of your times, fighting for the laws and ideals you believe in.  Charlie was like that – unfailingly patriotic, even when he didn’t quite agree.  But he believed in his job and he was proud of it.  So was I.”  A frown marred my lips and more tears fell.  I swiped at them with the tissue, but they continued their descent.  “I’m alone now.”

Jasper frowned as well.  “Aw now, sweetheart,” he said, pulling me closer so that I was pressed against his chest once again.  I briefly noticed he was still in his same clothes from last night before his scent fell over me – sandalwood and leather with a hint of mesquite.  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, laying my head against his chest as he continued to speak.  “You’re not alone, princess,” he whispered.  “Your human family may be gone, but you can have a new one here with us.  For all our laws and duties, many of us are very close.”

I felt his hand stroke through my hair and down my back.  I sighed, reveling in the comfort of his touch.  “Who are you close to?” I asked. 

“Well, we may not be blood relatives, but I consider Peter and Charlotte my family.  Though you could say Peter and I are blood brothers, in a sense.  Our pasts are tied together and we went through a lot.  It formed a strong bond between us.”

“Will you tell me about it, Jasper?” I asked.

“Someday maybe.  Not today.”  His voice was a bit strained, but I didn’t want to push him.

“It’s okay.”  I patted his arm gently, leaving my hand to lay there.  After another long silence, I spoke up again.  “Thank you.”

Jasper gave me a light squeeze.  “My pleasure, princess.”

UBUBUBUBUB

I reclined on the couch, curled up under the throw blanket.  My eyes were on the television.  I could hear the droning of the voices from the show that was on, but it didn’t hold my attention.  I couldn’t even tell you what show it was.  My mind was filled with so many things - most of them memories of my parents.  Charlie’s death made me think of Renee and Phil.  At least when they had died, I could take comfort in the fact that I still had my father.  Now that Charlie was gone, I felt incredibly alone.

I sighed at my own thoughts and rolled onto my back, rubbing my hands over my face.  Tears had come and gone all day, especially earlier.  Sera had visited, at which point Jasper had excused himself to give us some privacy.  While I was touched by the thoughtful gesture, a part of me was sad to see him go. 

After hours of Sera alternately comforting me when I cried and distracting me with her clever turns of phrase and stories, I was back to feeling exhausted.  I had to practically throw her out, pleading fatigue, before she would leave. 

I had curled up on the couch as soon as she’d left and stayed there the rest of the afternoon, dozing fitfully with the sound of the television in the background.  Now, hours later, I was glad for the time I’d had alone.  While I appreciated both Jasper and Sera for wanting to comfort me, I needed some time to grieve on my own. 

I was distracted from my thoughts by a knock on the door.  Wondering who it was, I opted against standing and instead called out, “Come in.”  My voice sounded pitiful even to me and I frowned.

The door opened wide to reveal Jasper standing there with a large covered tray balancing on one hand.  He nudged the door closed as he entered, gifting me with a small smile.  “Good evening, princess,” he said, crossing the room to set the tray on the coffee table before me.  “I don’t think you’ve eaten all day, so I thought you might like something.”

I was about to protest that I wasn’t hungry, but then he lifted the lid from the tray.  The smells of the food on the tray wafted over to me, causing my stomach to growl and my blush to make an appearance in my embarrassment. 

He grinned again.  “Mistress Sera gave suggestions for the food selection.  I hope you like it.”

The tray was filled with more food than I could eat in an entire day, much less one meal.  There was a cup of soup that looked to be some sort of vegetable and noodle mixture.  To one side was a plate of crackers and cheeses.  The other side held an assortment of fruits.  In the center was a very large slice of cheesecake with strawberry sauce dribbled liberally over top.  There was even a breakfast plate – scrambled eggs, bacon and toasted bread.

I blinked back tears and looked up at Jasper.  I reached out to him and when he took my hand, I pulled him around the coffee table to sit next to me.  My eyes were filled with tears as I leaned over and kissed his cheek.  “Thank you, Jasper.  For everything.”

Jasper looked down at me, a soft smile on his lips.  He skimmed his fingers along my jaw.  “Like I said before, princess - my pleasure.”

It was an intense moment as we sat staring at each other.  Eventually I cleared my throat and turned to the food.  “This looks great.”  I grabbed a cracker and a piece of cheese, making a little open-faced sandwich out of it before popping it in my mouth.

As I began to eat, digging into the soup next, Jasper spoke.  “Are you feeling better, Bella?” he asked.

I shrugged a little and put the soup down, taking another cracker from the tray.  “Yes and no.  I mean, I guess I am feeling better than before…but still bad, you know?”  He nodded his understanding and I popped a cracker in my mouth.

“It will take time, but you are a strong woman, Bella.  You will get through this.”

“I don’t feel very strong lately.”

“You are, you know?  More than you realize,” he told me.  “Not many could go through what you have been going through for the last week and deal with it so gracefully.  You have such courage.”

I laughed at that.  “I am not courageous.  I’ve been terrified at the twist my life has taken.”

“Courage doesn’t mean you are without fear, princess.  It means that you do what needs to be done and you muddle through in spite of your fears.”

I continued to eat, hardly realizing it, as I considered what he’d said.  It was hard to imagine myself as courageous when my life had spun so far out of my control.  But I didn’t really have any choices.  As much as I would have liked to make my wishes known, it didn’t mean they would have granted me them.  Of course, all of those demands had been as much for Charlie as for me.  I hadn’t wanted him to lose his daughter.  Instead, it was the daughter who lost her father.

I sighed and leaned back, slouching against the back of the couch with the fruit cup and a fork, popping a slice into my mouth. 

Jasper mimicked my movements, slouching next to me and looking over in concern. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head.  “No, but thanks.  I need to do this on my own.  Understand?”  I took his hand and gave it a light squeeze.

He squeezed back.  “Yeah, I understand.”  He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer.  Putting the fruit cup back on the table, I sighed again and leaned into him, grateful for the comfort.

We sat there for a long time, neither of us speaking, the television the only sound in the room.  I had my eyes closed, luxuriating in the peace I felt here at Jasper’s side with his hand gently stroking up and down my back.  I snuggled closer and dozed off and on for I don’t know how long before a knock at the door interrupted us.

“Come in,” I called out softly.  I was half asleep and too content where I was to even move.  I peeked open my eyes to see Felix standing at my door.  His surprised expression turned to a bright smile.  For a moment, my sleepy mind wondered why, but then I remembered I was cuddling up against Jasper.  I blushed profusely and sat up, mumbling an apology to Jasper.

He grabbed my hand, tugging until I looked at him.  He smiled and I felt a wave of contentment.  I smiled back and reached for my drink.

“Hey Felix,” I greeted as I drank my water, finishing off the last of the glass.

“Jasper…Bella,” he said, giving me a knowing little smirk.  “The Masters asked me to summon you to the throne room,” he informed us.  Then he looked at Jasper.  “We leave tonight.”

I felt my heart stop for a moment before it started thudding hard in my chest.  The newborns.  I’d almost forgotten.  And Jasper was going to deal with them.  Fear for him flooded me at the thought.

Jasper gripped my hand tighter and said, “We’ll be there in a minute, Felix.”

“Right, see you there.” Felix waved and went back out the door, closing it behind him.

“What is it?” Jasper asked, taking my shoulders in his hands and turning me to him.  “Why are you so afraid?”

I shook my head, trying to organize my scattered thoughts.  The idea of losing him on the heels of Charlie’s death was more than I wanted to consider.  “I forgot about the newborns,” I whispered.

Jasper stroked my hair back with one hand.  “Oh, sweetheart, you don’t have to worry about them.  You’re safe here.”

“No, Jasper.  Not me.  You.  What if something happens to you?”  I gripped his shirt in my fists and felt tears forming in my eyes, one slipping down my cheek.  I knew I was feeling and behaving irrationally about this, but I couldn’t stop the fear.  I’d already lost Charlie.  I didn’t want to lose anyone else.

Jasper’s face softened as he looked at me, those beautiful crimson eyes drawing me in as they always did.  “Princess, you don’t have to worry about me.  This is what I do, remember?  These newborns are nothing compared to us.  Nothing will happen to me.  I’ll be back before you know it.”

I sniffled, wanting to believe him but still fighting the fear.  I felt a surge of soothing calm and closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath.  He pulled me close and wound his arms around my waist, my own twisting around his neck as I lay my head on his chest.

“I promise, sweetheart.  I will be safe as can be.  I have had extensive training and I’ve done this before.” 

It took a while for him to soothe my fears away and talk me down, but eventually he did.  I couldn’t explain why I felt this way and I was glad he didn’t ask.  I needed to sort out my feelings for him, but with everything else going on, I was a hot mess emotionally. 

Sighing deeply, I pulled back and looked up at him.  “Thank you, again.”

“My pleasure, again.”

UBUBUBUBUB

After I’d calmed down, Jasper and I made our way to the throne room.  We were the last to arrive.  The Masters were sitting on their thrones with Peter, Demetri and Felix facing them.  To one side were two others - twins that looked in their mid to late teens - who were introduced as Jane and Alec.

Once the pleasantries were seen to, Aro began telling us about another call he’d received from Carlisle informing him that certain members of the local Quileute tribe were able to transform into large wolves. 

“Werewolves?”  I was in shock. 

“From what Carlisle says they are not werewolves per se,” Aro explained, casting a glance at Caius, who looked furious.  “Werewolves are fully human except for the few days of the full moon each month, at which time they transform into wolves and become almost entirely feral.  These Quileute wolves seem to be able to transform at will, regardless of the moon’s cycles, and retain their human sides when they do.”

My mind reeled.  “Wait… Quileute?  Did he say who?”

“No, he didn’t seem to know them very well.  He did mention that they came across a pack a few months ago, but there has been a treaty between the Cullens and the Quileutes for decades.  Carlisle assures me he spoke with the pack leader to reinforce the treaty.”  Aro looked at me speculatively.  “Do you know them, Bella?”

I shook my head.  “No…well, maybe.  I mean, I know people in La Push.  My father’s best friend is Quileute, so I have met him a few times, and some others a time or two, but I didn’t know anything about wolves.”

“Jasper.”  Caius spoke up and I turned my focus to him.  “You will need to be careful of these wolves.  Find out what you can about them.”

Jasper nodded.  “I understand, Master.  I will make it a priority.”

Aro clapped his hands together once and then rubbed them together in a gesture I was coming to associate with him.  “Excellent.  You and your teams will be leaving shortly, Jasper.”  He turned to the others in the room.  “You are all dismissed.”  As I turned, intending to leave with the others, Aro spoke again.  “Bella, Jasper, please stay.”

I turned back and stood quietly, my gaze glued to the floor as I felt my apprehension rise.  Feeling a dose of calm, I peeked over and smiled at Jasper in gratitude.  He just smiled back before focusing again on Aro.

“Now,” Aro began once everyone else had gone.  “Bella, my dear,” he moved forward, descending the handful of steps until he stood before me, taking my hands in his.  “How are you?”

Giving Aro a sad smile, I answered, “I’m coping, I guess.  Thanks for asking.”

“Of course, my dear.  It must be difficult for you.  And don’t worry about making your decision so soon.  I have discussed the matter with my brothers and you may take as much time as necessary.”

I looked up at Aro, then around him to Marcus and Caius briefly.  Both gave me a slight nod expressing their agreement.  “Thank you, but I don’t need time to make my decision.”  My gaze turned back to Aro, but I noticed Marcus lean forward in his seat from the corner of my eye.

“Are you certain?” Aro asked gently.

I nodded.  “Yes.  I had made it before, and now that my father is…dead…” I choked out the word and swallowed before clearing my throat and taking a breath to steel myself.  “My father was the last of my family.  As for friends…well, Sera is my dearest friend and she is here.  The others, while I do care for them, are not very close to me.”

Aro ducked his head a bit, drawing my eyes from the floor where they had strayed as I considered those friends I’d have to leave behind.  “And what is your decision?” he asked, his tone hopeful.

I smiled.  “I would like to be changed.”

Pulling me close, Aro hugged me.  “I am so happy to hear this, Bella.” 

I hugged Aro back, smiling with him.  As he released me, I saw that Marcus and Caius had moved down the stairs to stand next to him. 

Marcus embraced me with a smile, whispering in my ear even though the others would hear.  “I am happy to hear this, Bella.  I have no wish to lose you, nor does Sera.”

When I stepped back from Marcus, Caius nodded to me and I noted a faint smile on his face.  I nodded back and returned the smile.

“May I make one request before I’m changed?”

“What is it that you would like?” Aro asked.

“I want to go to Forks so I can lay my father to rest and put his affairs in order.” 

As the words left my mouth, I gauged their reactions.  Jasper stood beside me and I could tell he was tense.  His body seemed rigid and his jaw was firm, as if he were clenching it shut.  Marcus and Aro clearly did not like my request, but they didn’t immediately deny me.  They were thoughtful and it gave me hope.  Caius’ expression had returned to the brooding frown he seemed to prefer.

After a long silence, Aro spoke up.  “Bella, at any other time we would gladly grant this request without hesitation.  But this does not seem to be the best time for you to be in Forks,” he began.  “I understand your wishes, truly, but you are aware of the strife taking place in the Pacific Northwest at this time.”

I nodded.  “I know that and I understand.  But you also said they hadn’t reached Forks yet, right?  He’s all I had left.  I just want to tie up all my loose ends before I change.  I won’t be able to do it afterwards.  It could be years until I can be around humans, right?”  Aro reluctantly nodded, glancing at his brothers.  I continued on desperately.  “I need to do this.  Please!”  I felt the tears threatening, but I blinked them back.  “Besides, it is the perfect way for me to leave school without suspicion.”

“We could always fake your death,” Caius suggested.

I tilted my head and looked at him.  “Yes, you could.  But wouldn’t that be suspicious as well?  My father dies and I just happen to die a few days later halfway around the world?”

Caius frowned.  “She does have a point.”

“Besides,” I continued.  “I know some of the Quileutes.  They are sure to be at my father’s funeral and perhaps I could run interference for you or something.”

“No!”  I jumped at Jasper’s roar.  He took my hand and turned me to him as he had earlier.  This time, his movements were forceful.  As I looked into his eyes, I could see something in them.  Worry?  “Bella, don’t do this, please.  It’s far too dangerous, especially with the wolves.  We know nothing about them.”

Reaching my hand up, I cupped his cheek and smiled.  “Jasper, you even told me that this was nothing, right?”

“Nothing to us, not you.  You’re still human.” 

“I need this, Jasper.  I really need it.  I need closure on my old life so I can start my new one.  Can you understand that?”  I stroked his cheek with my thumb and he leaned into it.  “Besides, you’ll be there, right?”  He nodded but didn’t speak, and I felt his jaw clench under my palm.   “Please understand, Jasper.”

I turned my head to see that the brothers had gathered together and were speaking too softly for me to hear.  I prayed they would let me do this. 

Standing straight again, they resumed their former positions.  Aro looked at Marcus and then Caius, each nodding in turn, before returning his gaze to me.  I dropped my hand from Jasper’s cheek and faced them, but Jasper grabbed hold of that same hand with his.

“Under great duress, we will concede to this final request.”  I sighed gratefully.  “But there are stipulations to this agreement.”

“What would they be?”  I asked, curious.

“You are to stay with Jasper at all times unless he deems otherwise.  This is for your safety, you understand?  As such, this would make it necessary for you to stay with the Cullens, which will be a defensible location knowing Carlisle, so you will have the added protection of their coven members.”

I looked at Jasper.  “I can do that.”

“In addition, you must follow Jasper’s orders to the letter.  His experience outweighs most and his word will be law.  Is that understood?”  Aro’s gaze was intense.

I nodded again.  “All right.”

“Anything further to add, Jasper?”  Aro asked him.

Jasper looked down at me, his expression hard.  “You are never to leave my side, Bella, from the moment we leave these walls until you are safely returned to them.  If for some reason I cannot be with you, I will appoint a guard for you.  I know you like your time to yourself, but it may not be possible.”

I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth as I considered this, but I didn’t really have a choice if I wanted to go.  “Got it.  I’ll deal.”

Jasper’s gaze turned to the Masters.  “For the record, I don’t like this.”

Aro clapped Jasper on the shoulder.  “I know, Jasper, but Bella is special to us, and while we can understand her need for closure, there is also the worry of added suspicions about our kind if she doesn’t go.  Just be careful and watch your back.”

He nodded.

“Very well, you may go.  The plane leaves in two hours and you must pack.”

At a sudden thought, I released Jasper’s hand and caught Marcus’ arm before he could leave.  “Marcus?”

He turned back and patted my hand with a smile.  “Bella, please practice the utmost caution in your travels.  I have no wish to inform my mate of your demise.  It would sadden us both.”

“I will.  Don’t worry.  I’ll be back before you know it.”  I grinned.  “Just…maybe don’t tell Sera till I’m gone?”

Marcus raised a brow in question.  “What is the reasoning behind this request of yours?”

“Well, you know Sera.  She will want to come with me,” I stated.

Marcus’ eyes blazed.  “I cannot allow that.  I do not wish for even you to be subject to such dangers.”

“Exactly.  If she knew, she would insist on coming.  I don’t want her to come…or for Jasper to have two to protect.  One will be hard enough, I’m sure.  So, can you just wait to tell her?” 

Marcus nodded.  “I assure you that will not be an issue.  I have much work that will keep me preoccupied this evening and Sera will be resting.  Perhaps you should hurry to gather your belongings and be on your way?”

I smiled and kissed his cheek.  “Thank you, Marcus.  You both have my love.  And thank you for this.”  I gave him a tight hug, which he returned.

As I walked out of the room, I couldn’t fathom the idea of what I was doing.  I was sure I must be crazy, but they were allowing me to go. 

My thoughts turned to my father and the arrangements that would need to be made.  Of course, I hadn’t contacted anyone at home to find out what might have been done already.  I would do that when I returned to my room to pack.

I was going to Forks.